Friday, June 17, 2016

Dear Great Spirit - (tribute to Sean M. Rollnick, Father of our child.)

Dear Great Spirit,
          Thank you. Thank you for choosing me to live this life. Thank you for showing me the way so clearly. Thank you for bringing me joy, happiness, sadness, pain, anger, suffering, blissfulness, sorrow, grief, and all the emotions that come with being a human. Thank you for the rain, the plants, the food, the trees, the sun, and the wind. Thank you for teaching me through peers. Thank you for the experience that is with giving and receiving. Thank you for the faith that you continue to fill me up with, even in times of the heavy emotions. Thank you for the union. Thank you for the reminders of continued growth and strength. Thank you for the lessons that come my way. Thank you for the amazing people you send me in my life, even those I cannot see. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best mommmy I can be. Thank you for teaching me.
     Today I write to you in this way to share with the world our relationship together and to honor a beloved soul who has blessed me with him presence. I humbly bow to you for our continue relationship and partnership. Our relationship is so majestic amongst the rivers, trees, sky, concrete buildings, metal bridges, and crafty spaceships we ride in. The mystery that flows into the very being we all reside in and which I feel is one with you, Great Spirit. You carry me through the dark times reminding me of the silver lining or rainbows that exist with time. You are so happy to carry me through the bright and happy times too, with such ease and grace. Our relationship is sharp like the knives that divide time, carrying me through to you. The cuts that burrow deep in to reflection to reclaim and rebuild the very life and ground we stand on. Really knowing I Am ultimately, rebuilding our relationship with Mother Earth. -The divine feminine scared counterpart of you. I thank you.        @--}---- For giving me the chance to rebuild this relationship with Our Divine Mother Earth. Wow, thank you for choosing me to be a beacon of your light to work on this worldly assignment. I continue to sing praise for our relationship together, Great Spirit.

      This letter is also a cry for help amongst this bodily experience. This school we live can be so hard at times with tests you give that mark my destiny into the realms of Earth. My heart feels heavy at times and my body sore, please show me how to heal the hurt, show me mercy and how to give my body the best treatment. It seems very simple, why do I seem to complicate? To go down roads feeling lost, confused and even bruised. Now I see it clearly, I forget sometimes to listen or feel stubborn and push you away. I am sorry for that, so very sorry. Forgive me for taking the path by listening to a past pattern of fear. I release control, surrender and allow you to work through me. I let go of the reigns to see the unknown by accepting. You mirror all my perfection and bring to me the aspects I cannot see. So that I may mirror them forward with my destiny, thank you. Thank you for listening to me.
    Wow, so now you have my friend with you.... One peer I cannot see... only in everything around me. I give you my trust that you carry his beautiful soul, just as you carry me. The work assignments continue on, I trust. Give him safety and lots of hugs. His body being missed, his touch, his hugs, his kisses....his music lives on with our sacred family, I pray you give the chance for him to sing and dance with you. Please give him a hug and hold him tight, tell him we love him and celebrate his life with joy and remember all the greatness he brought to our Mother Earth. Please help heal my heart of heaviness,  reminding me of his sublime. Mirror of love, I send this prayer with bravery and fierceness as I know they live in you. Thank youGreat Spirit for carrying this message through.
     The time has come to mourn and celebrate a beautiful life. To allow obstacles to become playgrounds. To embrace the ugliness with beauty. The time is now and I thank you. For giving me the now. It is the opportunity to be the greatest version of myself and I see that now. Please continue to show me the way clearly, Great Spirit. Please show me how to live righteously with our Mother Earth. Thank you for being my Father and choosing me to live this life. May you give my beloved friend the opportunity to live life in the way that best accomplishes worldly assignments governed by you.
                                              With Love and Aloha,
                             Your Daughter

Sean and I met out in kalalau(a secluded sacred place) on Kauai back in October 2014. He held down a community camp at the edge camp and I camped right near the edge camp by the date palm on the bluff. I was living out there for about about six months. Sean and I spent a lot of time together... He was like my brother he became one of my best friend when I was on the island. He was the best listener. I would go to him at moments of darkness and he had the best way to help me feel better....just him being there to listen to me as I vented and he listened and only gave advice if I asked for it..he respected me he respected everyone. I loved I loved loved when he played his guitalele, his voice was one of an Angels. I thanked him so much for bringing the music to the campfire... Always having drums and orchestrating the best drum circles. He was so helpful, always encouraging everyone to do their part in meal making, preparing fire, contributing food, harvesting water... All the things to survive out in the woods. I'll always remember the moment I went to the community camp and asked for rice or quinoa, some sorta of grain to take up valley to prepare meal that night. Lol he said no, omg I was so pissed at him, he told me if u want it, u got to hang out here and eat with us, he said he didn't mind sharing his food but I couldn't take it away and make elsewhere. I didn't vibe with someone that was currently at the camp so I stormed off huffing and puffing pissed that I got rejected.. I looked back to that moment many times and even thank him for standing in his power by not giving into what I wished. He was powerful, he was brave, he was loyal, he was a strong and a lovable man. I was leaving island on July 21 2015, so I created a hui ho(until next time) party at Moloaa bay beach on July 18. He was the only person who purposed a toast for me on my journey and thank me for all the amazing times we shared together. It was so heartfelt and it made tears come to my eyes, I was really going to miss him... The next night we were together and we talked about an ongoing conversation about having a child together and raising the child as an unconventional partnership. Raising the child with love as a platonic relationship. Encouraging the child to be who he or she has come here to be... Sean wanted to be a father and I wanted to be a mother but we didn't share the intimate feelings as most mommies and daddies do. We both agreed that I would be the sole provider for the child because I knew that's what I wanted, Sean on the other hand didn't know how he wanted to show up in the relationship, he didn't want to promise me income or housing... He liked his lifestyle. I said all I want is you to follow your heart and that is right for us, the biggest gift is life and if u choose to do that I would be forever grateful. We both felt peace come when we talked about doing it and when we talked about the future. We also spoke and agreed that I could take our child back to mainland for part of the year to visit and be with family. The next night at Moloaa bay beach it was only Sean and I and the mysterious sacred bay. July 19, 2015 Sean and I came together in the most profound way. He gave me his seed to birth Cheyenne. We were only together once, that night. I left island on July 21, flew to Florida and three weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test. Wow I was pregnant, and sooooo happy.... Sean on the other hand was sooooo nervous . I came back to the island on November 23 2015. Sean was absent most of the time, living in the valley... Man I wanted to go In there but being pregnant I wanted to protect myself and this child so I didn't go in... He was being Sean as I knew him, living in the present moment, I never really knew what was going on with him because when I would ask he was always doing good, and he only came around when he was excited about life and happy or in good moods. Then when I was about 38 weeks pregnant, Sean confessed his love for me, and how he wanted to be with me.... In fact he was pretty pushy at times with his love, I pushed back. I still had no intimate feelings and expressed this to him and wanted to honor my heart. I appreciated him being honest with me and expressing his heart. He was truly trying. He even rented a room in the town I lived in Kekaha with his friends Davy and Chrissy. I was very proud of him bc he was following his heart. We got into arguments like people do in any relationship and he said some awful things about me to his family in NJ, in which he confessed to me in doing so... After we made up, He said he would he would tell them the truth about me and our relationship. He and I had cleared the air between us and went back to our heart space reassuring neither one of us were out to get the other. We loved each other deeply in profound way.... He trusted my ability to raise this child. He told me he didn't trust himself to be able to.... I encouraged him to keep following his heart and that we will always be here arms open. Wow, I was so amazed at the love he gave Cheyenne,so much love-- he loved her so much, I looked forward to our life sharing partnership with raising this child. During our heated times there were some mean things we said and did to each other... I confess I'm definitely not perfect, we were mirrors in so many ways reflecting hurt with hurt.... All in all, love always won with us and still will.. Our last days and months together were for the most part filled with so much love and acceptance, we were all growing together. Cheyenne will always know what a great man her father was and how much he loved her. I don't know what happened that day his body passed over God although I do know and feel in my heart that he is at peace now and he is showing up in the way that his heart can and that is all that matters. May his legacy live on through Cheyenne. God bless you Sean and thank you for giving the world Cheyenne. He would look so deeply into our eyes and give us the most heartfelt thank you and tell us how thankful he was for us. I'm here for anyone , open book for any questions and I'd really love to add that if there's any stories or things you know about Sean please share , or keep in touch for the future when Cheyenne gets old enough so we can share with her. I've also created an email for her to receive any photos or videos u may have of him. Please send to her email.


  1. I love you Shawnee! YOu are beautiful, strong and such a light to the world! What a beautiful tribute and prayer. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness and trust to remain open. Spirit's angel walk with you holding you in comfort and love!!

  2. sending you so much love you beautiful sister <3
    you are strong
    you are brave
    you are blessed to be the mother of his daughter <3
    loving vibes shooting your wayy <3



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